Microsoft E3 2010 Press Conference rundown of the good stuff

So I was up at an insane 3.30am to take notes from the live Microsoft Xbox 360 presser. I’ve tried to cut the BS and hit it with the important stuff, along with the stuff other sites might not be covering, like female gamer angle and uncomfortable sections. Hope you find it informative! I’ve also sourced as many trailers as I can, in the order they appeared to save you the legwork. Now let’s crack on with the E3 Xbox 360 conference rundown.

Addendum: Miss Anne Thropic of the Vagina Gamerlogues has added her thoughts to each section profanity included so please be aware that I haven’t edited out as such.

First up this was the usual from Microsoft, the bigwigs like Don Mattrick and Phil Spencer are there along with a host of others. Though they cut straight to the meat with a lead in trailer for the rather brilliant looking Call of Duty: Black Ops. This trailer (below) shows you the wealth of gameplay possibilities in the title, but rather than waffle, just watch it as it explains far more than mere words. Treyarch’s Mark Lamia was on stage to ‘demo’ the game:

• Miss Anne Thropic: This looks good, gritty and it has helicopters, I am so f_cking there.

Don Mattrick appears and starts waffling Xbox 360 Kinect and welcomes Hideo Kojima (seems to the the done thing now doesn’t it). He talks Metal Gear Rising. Trailer below:

• Miss Anne Thropic: This is Fruit Ninja with f_cking Metal Gear and Kojima’s name attached, like I am even interested. This is akin to watching a shit film like “Life or Something Like It” just because Angelina Jolie is in it, that doesn’t make it good! (I kinda liked that film .Ed)

Next up after more Microsoft PR waffle, it’s Cliffy B’s time to talk Gears of War 3. Amazingly Cliffy B makes a point of mentioning there will be two female character available in multiplayer “You’re gonna see the female Gears of Anya and Sam”, they then play a demo which speaks for itself:

• Miss Anne Thropic: Raging sexist twat Cliffy B lulls female gamers everywhere into a false sense of multiplayer security by adding in Anya and Sam who most likely won’t appear in the ‘actual’ Gears of War 3 campaign in any kick ass capacity.

As you guessed if you watched that Gears trailer to the end, next up Peter Molyneux takes to the stage, yes it’s time for some Fable 3 love. The game incidentally will ship October 26.

• Miss Anne Thropic: It’s Fable 3, it will be hyped up your jacksy until you can feel it in your throat, it won’t be anywhere near as good as Molyneux says (it already seems to have lost the rumored Natal addition), but none of that will matter because we will love it anyway.

Phil Spencer takes to the stage to announce an all new 360 exclusive in the form of “Codename Kingdoms”. Again, check out the trailer (which is sadly just a live action promo), you might be surprised by this one given it’s the Crytek logo that appears. Keep in mind Crytek were also given the stereoscopic 3D tech earlier this year… hmmm… interesting.

• Miss Anne Thropic: Also keep in mind FarCry was shit, enough said!

Next up it’s time to play the Halo card, yes this one never fails to please the multiplayer fans in the crowd and this E3 is no different. Bungie creative director Marcus Lehto is talking Halo: Reach beta figures and then of course shows the Halo Reach trailer.

• Miss Anne Thropic: Halo 1 run shoot listen to wisecracks. Halo 2 run shoot listen to wisecracks add in multi player. Halo 3 run shoot listen to wisecracks add more multiplayer remove more single player. Halo: ODST trying to block it from mind. Halo: Reach run shoot listen to wisecracks add more multiplayer, take away more single player but add space battles so the fanboys and girls can say how visionary and innovative it is.

After getting over the fact Halo: Reach will feature space combat awesome, it’s onto Xbox Live facts and figures and some Xbox 360 Kinect love. I couldn’t help but wonder when watching these trailers if 1. I want to be waving my arms around and jumping when the Wii and EyeToy afford me this energetic option already (and I don’t often use them), or 2. if these live “demos” are actually all rehearsed to stock footage and not demos at all. That aside, lets get to the Kinect goodness (or badness dependent on your POV:

First up there’s a demo of how the Kinect is voice and movement activated. This is essentially a guy saying “Zune” and it loading that section and being able to play next track by speaking, it’s all fairly innocuous stuff and it seems made for the ultra lazy, though probably fantastic for people with movement disability. I won’t bother sourcing a video, it was that non important.

• Miss Anne Thropic: Sorry I nodded off.

Next up is Laura one of the engineers on the Kinect project and the poor girl seems like she’s been rolled onto the stage because she’s a good looking girl and lord knows girls aren’t interested in games, they want to socialize, so she talks VideoKinect the videochat service. She’s also been chosen because she has a good looking twin sister called Kristen. The whole thing rates as the most uncomfortable part of the conference and both girls are obviously taking part in a poorly rehearsed video chat, it’s fairly awful and to no fault of either really since nerves play huge part and they seem to be reading from a script both have clearly been given.

• Miss Anne Thropic: Can’t wait to see what you write about this, poor f_cking Laura. A prime example of gaming PR trying to be clever and instead coming across as sexist and sloppy. Oh and two words mo fo’s (well one word and a number) iPhone 4.

Heads up sports fans, looks like ESPN is doing big things with Microsoft. If you love sports ESPN have signed an exclusive deal to offer over 3,500 live sporting events over Xbox Live. The important thing, this will be available to Xbox Live Gold members at no additional cost (assuming your broadband provider is thrilled with that of course).

• Miss Anne Thropic: I have a multitude of cable sports channels, but yeah I really want to stream it through my Xbox because it’s ESPN. Not.

Kudo Tsunoda (creative director for Kinect) then enters the stage, looking like he forgot E3 was on, grabbed his sunglasses, threw on the first thing he could find and rushed out the door. He waffles about how Kinect is for everyone and we’re on a run now of Kinect games one after the other, starting with the most adorable demo of the conference with the cutest kid ever as she ‘demos’, pet sim Kinectimals:

• Miss Anne Thropic: Tsunoda always reminds me of Frank Rossitano from 30 Rock, even more so this evening. Kinectimals makes me want to give my eyes a massage with a cocktail fork.

Remember Wii Sports when it came out and what a game changer that was? Well now you’ll get Kinect Sports, which is essentially Wii Sports on acid. soccer, bowling, javelin, ping pong, boxing and volleyball. Trailer below, but it’s not much chop:

• Miss Anne Thropic: EyeToy meets WiiSports with allegedly better control. Who gives a shit.

Kinect Joy Ride is next and I have to say I’m a little disappointed this is a Kinect game, but meh, maybe it will be fun. The “demo” again seems a little rehearsed, but who knows. This demo also brought forth the question, aren’t there any women in gaming Microsoft could find who don’t come across and giggling girly fools?

• Miss Anne Thropic: What the f_ck man, I thought this was a regular XBLA game and now it’s for Kinectshit? And someone shoot the driver.

Kinect Adventures is up next, and it’s mini games essentially where you use your whole body to play. This will also take snapshots of you and you can post them to Facebook or wherever, usually when you’re at your worst, leaping like a fool and other crazy stuff. Check out the trailer below:

• Miss Anne Thropic: Adventures? If this is your idea of an “adventure” I pity you. Catch those coins by outstretching your arms, jump that WipeOut foam tube, jump in that raft and lean from side to side. If you think that’s adventurous I pity your sex life.

Next up we’ve got Ubisoft’s fitness trainer Your Shape Fitness Evolved and the demo is done by a toned Felecia Williams (Ubisoft international brand manager). She demonstrates the different areas of the game which utilizes her outline onscreen doing whatever the ‘trainer’ does. Check out the video. On a side note, when Felicia Williams also demoed it at the Ubisoft presser, she did the exact same start up with the jacket removal, so that kind of reeked a bit of real or rehearsed to stock footage?

• Miss Anne Thropic: Felicia Williams is hot. Sorry, what was this about again? Did she just say George Michael, trainer to the stars? He’s looking good these days, all that public toilet exercise is clearly paying off.

Coming this holiday season exclusively for Xbox is Harmonix new dance title Dance Central. The game features hip-hop, pop and R&B and sees you the player dancing in time on the screen to get points. A Dancer shows how it’s done, before the second uncomfortable demo begins as Kasson Crooker (Harmonics non dancing game director) shakes his thang. The video also features Phil Spencer talking up Kinect launch date and launch titles. It also features the Star Wars Kinect gameplay at around 7 minutes in. Kinect launches in the US November 4.

• Miss Anne Thropic: Kasson dancing is the funniest f_cking thing I’ve seen in quite the while. Ubisoft put a white guy with no rhythm on stage to show how anyone can dance. It’s like Napoleon Dynamite with air guitar and video games.

Next up is a Kinect compatible Forza game. Yes you can play Forza by holding your arms out in front and pretending to drive.

• Miss Anne Thropic: Look I can pretend to walk around a car and sit in a car I can never afford unless I start dealing heroin or make the grade at my upcoming Skulls initiation. Dubious.

Next up Don Mattrick returns for yet more Microsoft PR Spiel talking Xbox Live and a brand new era for Xbox. He then reveals the new Xbox 360. It’s shiny, it’s small and it’s allegedly whisper quiet. You can check it out in the video below, along with Mattrick pretending he’s Oprah. The new console will cost the same as the present gen and it’s released this week in the US (That’s THIS week).

• Miss Anne Thropic: They needed something big so they released a new Xbox 360. So now we are expected to replace our present gen with this new better slimmer gen. Thanks Microsoft, you always put the customer first.

And that was the end of the Microsoft presser. I hope you’ve liked our coverage and that it’s saved you some leg work.

Via [Lesbian Gamers] but with our own Miss Ann Thropic!